Discussion of Formula One racing

 Apparently the FIA are introducing even more rules to spice up F1, increase
overtaking and help other teams challenge the top two. They include:

 1) Michael Schumacher to start the race 20 minutes after everyone else. He
 must also tow a caravan and stop for a compulsory cup of tea on the hard
 shoulder at least once during the event.

 2) Minardi can start the race immediately after Saturday qualifying.

 3) Prost can start on the Friday.

 4) Both McLaren drivers will drive a two seater with a weight penalty. Mika
 will ferry Erja around so at last there will be a reason for the TV crews
to
 keep panning in on her. DC will have to have all Mikas trophies in the
back.

 5) Any bald designer called Adrian will be declared illegal.

 6) A take off ramp will be installed at the left hand side exit of Eau
Rouge
 for any driver wanting to overtake on the following straight by flying
directly over the cars below. BAR will build it and Villeneuve and Zonta
will test it (again).

 7) Car designs to be radically changed. Moveable and removable rear wings
will be allowed (as tested by Sauber in Brazil) and the new ‘LDG’ or Lucky
Dip Gearbox (as used by Hakkinen in Monaco) will be introduced. When
activated the LDG will select any gear apart from the one you want thus
helping to ‘FUAL’ , ie: to Fuck Up A Lap. Jaguar are believed to have
extensively tested LDG on Herberts car this season.

 8) To add an element of surprise and worrying uncertainty, Taki Inoue will
be appointed as the new Safety Car Driver.

 9) Selected but unspecified cars will be fitted with a Walkerometer. This
fly by wire device will be connected from the car to a decibel meter in the
ITV commentary box. When Murrays decibels reach a pre-set level then the
car(s) on screen at that precise moment will be given a turbo boost of
around 250bhp for 10 seconds. Schumachers car will be put into reverse. Any
car that Murray says will win will instantly ground to a halt. (The FIA have
been using this last device unofficially for the last few years).

 r…@hakkinen.net

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